Teed Off is episode 42b of Rocko's Modern Life. In this episode, Ed's boss Mr. Dupette invites Ed to a game of golf. Ed is told to let Mr. Dupette win, but Heffer has other ideas.
One day, at the Conglom-O building, Vice President Mr. Noway, is relaxing in one of the hot tubs with other executives (each in their own hot tub) in Conglom-O's fittingly unusual executive cafe; he calls one of the waiters (a blue, male Ape) over and asks him to bring him Ed Bighead. The waiter dashes over to a nearby control panel and pulls a lever, and this activates an unusual overhead conveyor system that moves the Conglom-O employees (each one suspended in the air from a claw) over the hot tubs; as soon as Mr. Bighead appears and is positioned above Mr. Noway's hot tub, the claw holding Mr. Bighead releases him, and he drops into Mr. Noway's hot tub (screaming on the way down). Mr. Noway greets Mr. Bighead: “Ah, Bighead; just the man I was looking for.” Mr. Bighead, assuming he was going to be scolded for something, apologizes before Mr. Noway corrects Mr. Bighead and tells him that he just wants to talk with him; he asks Mr. Bighead what he does for the company, and he replies (after clearing his throat) that he checks the bottle caps on all the bottles. Mr. Noway offers him a promotion and Mr. Bighead excitingly replies that he'd like that, and Mr. Noway adds in that they’d like him to do it as well. Mr. Noway asks Mr. Bighead if he plays golf, and he replies yes; Mr. Noway then explains that the company president, Mr. Dupette is playing a game of golf the upcoming weekend and he needs someone to play with. An interested Mr. Bighead replies: “Really?” Mr. Noway goes on and states that the game isn't “a picnic” and that they never let Mr. Dupette loose; he tells Mr. Bighead that all he has to do is put his ball in the air and they'll take care of the rest. Mr. Noway asks Mr. Bighead if he understands, and Mr. Bighead eagerly replies yes and accepts the proposition.
Later that weekend, early in the morning, at the Conglom-O Country Club where the game is to take place, we find the groundskeepers bustling about, preparing the golf course for the game. Though most of the groundskeepers are beige colored male ibexes (all dotting the same white, groundskeepers’ attire), one of them is none other than Heffer Wolfe (who's dotting the same attire as all the other groundskeepers); and as the other groundskeepers are hard at work, we find that Heffer is behind a bush, gazing up at the stars of the dawning sky. Someone is also trying to call Heffer on his radio (and is getting impatient); Heffer ignores his radio, turns it off, and states (in a silly mood) to himself as he looks up at the stars: “Phone home. Heffer phone home.” Heffer begins to laugh to himself, but is interrupted when he hears heavy breathing from behind him; he turns around and sees that it's the head groundskeeper in charge of the country club (who looks and sounds very similar to Darth Vader from “Star Wars”, though with a build more similar to Filburt) walking up to him with a rake. He shares his frustration and impatience with Heffer by bopping him over the head with the rake (rendering him dizzy for a brief moment) and then aggressively tells him (as he was saying on the radio) “Heffer, come in!” Heffer replies: “I was just taking a little break!” His boss (not wanting to hear it) bops him on the head with the rake again and angrily reiterates: “HEFFER! COME IN!” Heffer replies “Okay, Okay”, turns his radio back on and says into his radio: “Heffer here, going back to work, over.” We cut to an overhead view and see Heffer get into his red riding-lawnmower (which was parked next to the bush), start it up and resume his job of mowing the lawn; we also zoom out and see that Heffer is mowing what appear to be giant crop circles into the lawn, but his boss doesn't take notice of this and only shares his exasperation with his employee: “I don’t get you Heffer! What do you do all day!?” The boss then walks back to his quarters, stating to himself along the way that he doesn't believe Heffer is exercising; he walks up to a large tree (which is actually a disguised control center) with a hidden door in its trunk, and pulls on a fake squirrel's tail to open it. He walk inside (the door closes automatically behind him), sits down in a large chair and gives the voice command “Bridge”; the chair then raises up through the floor of said bridge (a large command center with a large display on the wall showing a map of the golf course, and long control panels along the walls that are manned by more of the groundskeepers) and is positioned in the middle of the bridge floor (as would a captains chair in the bridge of a ship). He then asks for a status report from one of the groundskeepers at the controls, and he reports that Mr. Dupette is arriving at the first tee. The boss asks the groundskeeper to put it on screen, and the large display switches to a camera view of a Conglom-O tandem rotor helicopter landing at said tee (two squirrels are briefly in the shot before the helicopter lands in front of them). Four Conglom-O Lizards, who are dotting in dark suits and sunglasses (a la the Secret Service), dash out and secure the area (chattering to each other on their communicators). Mr. Dupette, dotting golfer's attire, walks out of the helicopter and passionately asks out loud: “Well Bighead, you ready to hit the links?” Mr. Bighead, also dotting golfer's attire, follows and excitingly replies: “Yes sir, Mr. Dupette… I’m ready, ready. Can’t wait sir, ready.”
The game is also apparently being televised, and we cut to two commentators (a purple male koala named Phil, and an orange male pig who's name is never stated) opening the TV coverage of the game (looking and sounding really board and sleepy as Mr. Dupette always wins); Phil states to the viewers “well, we’re getting ready for another ‘exciting’ game of Conglom-O golf”, and his partner yawns and sarcastically adds in “I wonder who’s gonna win?” At the first hole, Mr. Dupette takes his first shot (and the two commentators also comment to the TV viewers on as he does this), and his ball lands very close to the green. Mr. Noway, Mr. Bighead and the rest of the party applaud and comment Mr. Dupette; it's then Mr. Bigheads turn and Mr. Noway whispers to him: “Ok Bighead, just put ‘er in the air.” As Mr. Bighead prepares his shot, Mr. Noway calls over a radio (strangely mentioning something about pianos): “Red leader to base, come in; you guy’s got the pianos ready.” The head groundskeeper responds to Mr. Noway's call from his bridge inside the tree: “We read you Noway, we’re ready up here.” As Mr. Bighead hits his ball into the air, the tree where the heads groundkeeper is suddenly opens up, revealing a grand piano underneath that is actually a missile; this missile piano immediately launches out of the tree and into Mr. Bighead's airborne ball, blowing itself and the ball to smithereens before the ball even has a chance to reach the ground. Mr. Bighead looks back at everyone with a puzzled look on his face, and Mr. Dupette openly states: “Gosh, Look’s like a piano blew up your ball Bighead. What’s the penalty on that Mr. Noway?” Mr. Noway replies that the penalty is 7 strokes, and Mr. Dupette shares his condolences: “Oh, too bad Bighead.” Mr. Noway marks the score on a clipboard and then gives Mr. Bighead an ‘OK’ sign, and Mr. Bighead smiles back; even though the game is fixed against Mr. Bighead, he doesn't care as he's only concerned about doing what he promised to do and getting the promotion Mr. Noway promised him, although he still finds the whole thing to be rather strange. We focus back on the two commentators (Phil is trying his best to stay awake, but his partner has fallen asleep), and Phil announces to TV viewers: “Well that’s another great shot for Dupette; here comes Bighead.” Mr. Bighead hits his ball in the air (“Not a bad shot”); and like last time, another piano missile is launched out of the tree and blows up the airborne ball. Phil states without any enthusiasm: “Oh, what a ‘surprise’, the ball is hit by another piano. Well it looks like we’re off to another great day of Conglom-O golf.”
As the affair continues, we cut to a view of Heffer’s riding lawnmower, which has his radio in the driver’s seat; from the radio, we hear the head groundskeeper trying to call Heffer and getting impatient. We pan over to see that Heffer is at a “Snack Shack” (an area with snack machines), where Heffer is shaking one of the snack machines to get a snack to fall (either because the snack got stuck as it was being dispensed, or because Heffer is trying to get it to fall out without paying for it); someone shouts “Fore!” from afar and a golf ball smashes though the glass window of the snack machine Heffer was shaking. Heffer comments to himself: “What a lousy shot. Who hit that stinko?” He looks and sees that it was Mr. Bighead (who is trying to see where his ball went), and he comments to himself “Hey, it looks like Mr. Bighead. A-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha! A-Ha! Boy, he stinks. A-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha! A-Ha-Ha-Ha…”; but his laughter is suddenly interrupted when another piano missile that was aiming for the ball crashes into the “Snack Shack” and destroys it, burying Heffer underneath the rubble! As Heffer (who is battered and bruised, but fortunately not seriously injured) digs himself out, Mr. Noway's voice comes in over Heffer's radio and Heffer curiously listens in; apparently, Mr. Noway and the head groundskeeper are talking to each other on the same radio frequency that the head groundskeeper talks to his subordinates (including Heffer) on. Heffer thus hears Mr. Noway state on the radio “Red leader to base, you’re getting a little sloppy out there; that one hit the ground”, and he also hears his boss reply “Uh.. base to red leader, uh.. cool your jets boss; ain’t no way were gonna let Bighead win.” Heffer is thus now aware that they're rigging the game in favor of Mr. Dupette, but is unaware that Mr. Dupette isn't in on it while Mr. Bighead is and decides to secretly help Ed out. We then fade to later on and see Mr. Bighead (who yawns, getting a little bored himself; but still looking forward to his promotion), who's very close to a hole, hit his ball high into the air where another piano missile blows it up. This time however, Heffer (who is now dotting his usual clothing, plus a hat with fake tree limbs on it) emerges, without being seen by anyone, from a behind a bush that's behind Mr. Bighead and throws a second golf ball into the hole, and he then ducks quickly back down before anyone can see him; Mr. Bighead, Mr. Noway and the rest of the Conglom-O lizards bounce in surprise. Mr. Dupette complements Mr. Bighead: “Hey Bighead! Not bad!” Phil, who's was sleeping with his partner, is awoken by Mr. Dupette's comment and (shocked by the notion that something unexpected happened) responds: “Not bad!?” Mr. Dupette, Mr. Noway and Mr. Bighead look inside the hole to confirm a ball is inside, and Mr. Dupette comments Mr. Bighead: “Well, you got one in Bighead; maybe your luck’s turning around Bighead” Mr. Dupette then walks away and Mr. Noway glares aggressively at Mr. Bighead (who smiles back nervously); although Mr. Noway is not 100% convinced Mr. Bighead is suddenly betraying him, since he didn't see Heffer and has his every suspicion, he scoldingly and aggressively warns Mr. Bighead (pointing his finger at him) not to mess with him, and Mr. Bighead nervously replies that he didn't.
We then cut to the head groundskeeper in his secret bridge in the tree, and he asks one of the groundskeepers at the controls for a status report, asking out loud: “What’s going on out there!?” The large display on the wall switches from a map of the course to a camera view of Mr. Noway with a scolding look on his face, who states to the head groundskeeper: “Red leader to base, what’s happening to you people?” Not knowing about what Heffer just did, the head groundskeeper is lightly irritated by Mr. Noway's scolding remark and replies: “We are handling the situation Mr. Noway!” Mr. Noway responds: “You call that handling the situation? Do you know what will happen to you if Dupette loses!?” These circumstances are never clearly described, but they're apparently quite dire (for both the golf course and all of Conglom-O) as the very thought of them causes Mr. Noway to nervously choke up and get something caught in his throat, leading him into a coughing fit. As Mr. Noway coughs, the head groundkeeper shares how he now feels: “I don’t need you to tell me how to do my job. This is my course, and I will deal with the situation as I see fit. Do you understand me?” Mr. Noway however can't immediately reply as he's still coughing; but the head groundskeeper reiterates himself: “Mr. Noway! Do you understand me!? What’s the matter with you!?” Mr. Noway then coughs up whatever was stuck in his throat and the head groundskeeper calmly asks him is he's ok? Mr. Noway clears his throat and then replies: “Yeah, I’m fine. Get it together up there, will ya’?” Mr. Noway then signs off and the large display switches back to the map of the course. We cut back outside where Mr. Dupette lands another shot on another hole; everyone applauds, the Phil tells the TV viewers “another great shot for Dupette”, and Mr. Noway complements Mr. Dupette: “Very nice shot sir, very nice.” It then Mr. Bighead's turn and Mr. Dupette tells him “Ok Bighead, beat that one”; Mr. Noway also deters Mr. Bighead to ensure he doesn't betray him (even though he still isn't sure Mr. Bighead is really doing it) by grabbing Mr. Bighead by his suspenders and telling him in his face: “Don’t you dare!” Mr. Noway then shoves Mr. Bighead away and he stumbles up to his ball; just as he winds up, the head groundskeeper orders his subordinates to “FIRE!”, and another piano missile hits Ed before he even has a chance to swing. When the dust clears, we see that Ed is on the ground, charred and injured; but before anyone can notice, Heffer dashes by the hole without being seen and drops another golf ball in (Phil also announces this to the TV viewers with excitement).
We then focus on the two commentators, and much in way on contrast to before, they are now both wide awake, excited and jumping for joy like never before; Phil says to the viewers “Bighead is ripping up the links!”, and his partner adds in: “There’s no stopping him.” The two them look offscreen as Mr. Bighead takes another shot, Phil states “Oh, Let’s see, let’s see”, and his partner adds in “Did he do it? Another piano missile hits something offscreen (presumably either an airborne golf ball, or Mr. Bighead before he can swing) and the two commentators brace themselves, but Heffer manages to get another golf ball in the hole (again, offscreen); with increasing excitement, Phil announces to the viewers “YES! It’s in the hole again!” and his partner adds in “THERE’S NO STOPPING ED BIGHEAD!” Another piano missile hits something offscreen and the two commentators again brace themselves; Heffer scores another shot for Mr. Bighead, Phil announces the viewers with even more excitement “HE DID IT AGAIN!” and his partner adds in “GO, BIGHEAD!” Later on, it's apparent that the game is becoming more violent as everyone is down in trenches as if it were a war-zone, and Heffer has still not been spotted yet. Mr. Dupette, Mr. Bighead, and Mr Noway (who's also now dotting a green army-man's helmet and a pair of binoculars, but only for this hole) are sharing one of these trenches, and each other trench has 3 other Conglom-O lizards in them (all dotting those suits like earlier); Mr. Dupette comments Mr. Bighead: “Bighead, you’re doing so well! I didn’t know you were such a good golfer!” Mr. Noway then tells Mr. Bighead it's his turn; however, Mr. Bighead has apparently hit so many times by the pianos that he's now dazed, dizzy, incoherent, and unable to think sanely. All Mr. Bighead can do is mutter “Be-he.. Ohhh.. Ed.. Goo-Golfer”; and Mr. Noway get's Mr. Bighead out of the trench by throwing his club out as if it were a stick and having him go get it as if he were a dog, and Mr. Bighead goes after it on all fours. We then cut to a view of the hole (with the ball and the club on the ground next to it), and Mr. Bighead (now upright again) dizzily stumbles back and forth past the hole, leading Mr. Noway to have to push Mr. Bighead into position, stand him up the right way and hand him his club, all as Mr. Bighead blows raspberries at him. In a nearby bush, we see that Heffer has another golf ball in a slingshot and is aiming at the hole. Mr. Bighead then swings his club back and forth, not even trying to hit his ball, and a cavalcade of piano missiles are fired from the tree and hit Mr. Bighead; the dust clears and we see the soil around the hole blown out of the ground and the audience shots “Oh”, but Heffer then shoots his ball into the hole without being seen and the audience cheers in excitement.
We then focus back on the two commentators, who are also dotting green army-man's helmets and are sitting behind a wall of cushions for protection; Phil tells the viewers (this time, more calmly) “All of Conglom-O’s normal methods couldn’t stop Bighead. I wonder how they plan to stop him this time”, and his partner adds in “that’s right Phil; all Bighead has to do is miss this shot and Dupette wins.” We briefly get a view inside the secret bridge, where the large display is showing a camera view of Mr. Dupette, Mr. Noway, and Mr. Bighead (who's now in a full body cast and wheelchair bound, although is now fully conscious and able to think clearly again) at the very last hole. There is also a very large body of water next to where they are all standing. Mr. Noway, determined to not let his plans fail, paces the ground back and forth to think of a shot that Mr. Bighead can't mess up; he then dashes up to Mr. Bighead to tell him his plan, but he then has second thoughts (stating “No” to himself multiple times) and thinks again. Mr. Noway thinks very hard, stating to himself: “Wait a minute, think! Think-think-think-think-think-think! OK!” He then slowly and clearly instructs Mr. Bighead (making doubly sure he understands): “OK listen: The hole’s over there [pointing to where the hole is]. You! You hit, over there [pointing to the body of water]! That way [pointing toward the hole] is bad! NEVER hit that way! Do you see!? That’s bad [he grabs Mr. Bighead’s eyes out of their sockets and stretches them toward the hole]! You, wanna hit over there [he swings Mr. Bighead’s eyes around on their nerves and throws them into the body of water]! SO GET IT RIGHT [Mr. Bighead’s eyeballs are pulled back into his head by their retracting nerves]!” Mr. Dupette (who's not paying attention to what Mr. Noway is saying to Mr. Bighead) tells Mr. Bighead from afar “Come on Bighead, hit that thing”; and despite being in a full body cast, Mr. Bighead successfully hits his ball far into the deep body of water as instructed. Mr. Dupette (not paying attention) wonders where the ball is, Mr. Noway comments Mr. Bighead: “Great shot Bighead!” The audience also moans as Mr. Bighead's ball falls in the water. Mr. Dupette, who's back is turned and is still not paying attention, still looks in the air for Mr. Bighead's ball; and Mr. Noway and Mr. Bighead shake hands in success. Mr. Noway tells Mr. Bighead he did good and he then gets on his radio and tells the head groundskeeper (we also cut to a view in his secret bridge): “Red leader to central command, let’s call it a day!” The head groundskeeper then tells his subordinates “Congratulations boys! Look’s like we’re in the clear!” and they start celebrating. We cut to a view of the two commentators, and Phil then briefs the TV viewers: “Well, I guess that clinches it for Mr. Dupette; boy what a match.” We get a brief view of Mr. Bighead's ball sinking to the bottom of the body of water, and we see someone grab it before it hits the bottom.
It looks as if the game is finally over, Mr. Dupette has his usual victory, Mr. Bighead (though badly injured) has earned his promotion, and everyone is satisfied; Mr. Dupette openly states that he still can't see the ball, Mr. Noway tells Mr. Bighead “Good job!” and Mr. Bighead replies “Thank you.” But all of the sudden, bubbles then begin rising out of the body of water accompanied by a rumbling sound; Mr. Noway wonders out loud: “What the heck is that!?” And we see that it is none other than Heffer, holding the ball in his left hand, high above his head, and rising out of the water on his lawnmower, which he converted into a flying machine by turning the two blades on his mower upward; Heffer is also now dotting pilot's gear, including a leather jacket, a matching helmet, and a pair of goggles. The ball is still in play and the excitement and suspense of the game are back in full swing. This time, everyone can see Heffer with the ball as he ascends into the air as graceful and brave as a white knight who has come to Mr. Bighead's aid (despite not wanting to win), and Mr. Noway shouts: “HE’S GOT THE BALL!” Mr. Dupette hears this and responds “Ball, I can’t see it”; Heffer then flies over the party and Mr. Dupette (still absent minded) points out the ball in Heffer's hand: “There it is!” As Heffer flies toward the hole and Mr. Noway runs after him (pushing Mr. Bighead in his wheelchair along the way), the head groundskeeper spots Heffer on the large display in his bridge and finally realizes what's been happening the entire time; in desperation, he orders the other groundskeepers at the controls: “EVERYTHING! THROW EVERYTHING WE GOT AT HIM! I want that steer!” We then see more piano missiles that are moved into launching position on the ground, on a ship at sea, and even on a satellite in space; soon, exploding piano missiles fill the sky as Heffer bravely and gracefully manages to dodge piano after piano, even as he flies right past his boss's tree that's firing every piano missile it has as if they were BBs. We briefly get a view of Mr. Noway scolding Mr. Bighead, still thinking he had something to do with all of this; but his scolding is cut short as Heffer bravely flies over them (leading the two to duck for cover) and over the final hole. Heffer then throws the ball toward the hole, and Phil comments “It’s in the air! Wait! Wait! Wait!”; it successfully lands in the hole, and Phil comments “POW!! IT’S IN THE HOLE! BIGHEAD DID IT!” With his mission accomplished, Heffer the white knight pilot cheers out loud from atop his flying noble steed in pure triumph as he soars with glory across the sky; but all sweet glory is suddenly struck down and all triumph suddenly turned to sheer fright as a piano missile manages to hit Heffer's flying lawnmower dead on and destroy its powertrain, sending him into a downward spiral!! Heffer screams in sheer fright and grabs his vehicle's control stick for dear life, all as he plummets uncontrollably and fatally at top speed, straight toward his boss's tree with his controls frozen! Inside, an alarm is blaring, the groundskeepers are panicking, and the large display is showing Heffer spiraling straight toward them, each vital second ticking rapidly away! The head groundskeeper (who's facing away from the display and doesn't yet see what's coming at him) is attempting to restore order and is demanding a status report (yelling out “SOMEBODY TELL ME SOMETHING.”); he then turns and sees Heffer coming at them and is immediately frightened like never before: “WHAT THE!? DAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!” We briefly focus on Heffer screaming in fright, hanging on for dear life! Then we briefly focus on the frightened groundkeepers at the controls screaming for their own lives, then we focus on Mr. Noway screaming, then the two commentators screaming, then the two squirrels form earlier screaming, and finally Rocko screaming on his armchair at home (where he's presumably watching the game on TV) next to his dog, Spunky; all as every remaining microsecond ticks rapidly away and Heffer plummet's straight toward the trunk of the tree at breakneck speed without any way to stop, DOWN, DOWN, DOWN, and then, KABLAM!!!!!! The tree immediately begins to collapse into the ground without any hope of survival for anyone inside; and as the dreadfully frightened head groundskeeper and his subordinates are sent to their ghastly fate, he desperately calls into his radio: “MAYDAY! MAYDAY! WE’RE GOING DOWN! WE’RE GOING DOWN!!! MAAAAAAAAYDAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!”
The dust clears and all is at last calm again. The head groundskeeper and his subordinates with him in the tree have all perished in the disaster; but in a god-blessed miracle, Heffer survived the ghastly wreck (though his lawnmower is completely destroyed beyond repair), and he emerges battered, bruised, charred and his goggles broken, but is otherwise not seriously injured. Heffer takes a brief look around, smiles, and stands up with his arms held high in triumph and shouts “Woo!” before falling over. We cut over to a view of Mr. Dupette and Mr. Bighead not too far away from the tree; they were both looking at Heffer but then turn to face each other, and Mr. Dupette gives Mr. Bighead a slightly irritated glare. But Mr. Dupette then suddenly puts on a happy face, holds out his hand so Mr. Bighead can shake it and tells Mr. Bighead: “Well Eddie, great game! So tell me Eddie, what do you do for the company? Hmm?” Mr. Bighead puts on a happy face and replies: “I’m the guy who check the little bottle caps on all the bottles.” The two happily shake hands, Mr. Dupette says “Hmm”, pauses for a moment, and he then tells Mr. Bighead “Well, keep up the good work” and walks away. This leaves Mr. Bighead confused as he was expecting he be promoted for playing with Mr. Dupette, and he mutters to Mr. Dupette in confusion: “But I… I thought… Wasn’t I… I thought I… Wha-” Mr. Bighead is then interrupted by a super-enraged Mr. Noway, who stares at Mr. Bighead with big, wide eyes and a manic look on his face! Everything is ruined thanks to Heffer, but Mr. Noway still feels it was Mr. Bighead that seriously betrayed him; and he then proceeds to punish Mr. Bighead by grabbing the bag of golf clubs from offscreen and repeatedly bashing the already badly injured Mr. Bighead with them (and Mr. Noway screams out loud with each blow to Mr. Bighead), and we iris out on this.
We then fade to a view of the now destroyed and possibly shuttered (as Mr. Dupette lost) country club early the next morning, and we see that extraterrestrials (who in this case are small, orange, round beings with a mouth in the middle of their body, two eyes that stick out on long stalks above their heads, and two arms and legs) have landed near the crop circles that Heffer mowed into the grass earlier and are examining them. The extraterrestrials apparently interpret Heffer's crop circles as saying something coarse or offenseful as they are hurt and/or enraged by what they're reading. We get a close up of two of these infuriated extraterrestrials standing next to the circles, and one of them shouts out in rage: “Who keeps writing this stuff!?” The episode then irises out for the final time and ends.