No Pain, No Gain/Transcript

No Pain, No Gain

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— This is a transcribed copy of No Pain, No Gain. —

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Previous: "Bedfellows"

Next: "Who Gives a Buck"

[Rocko is sitting in front of his TV by himself, watching an exercise instructor.]

TV Instructor Lady: Okay. Now let's really turn it up! [Starts exercising] One and two and three and four.

Rocko: Blazes. I'm outta shape. [Rocko lets himself fall onto his back.] I'm not the wallaby I used to be.

TV Instructor Lady: Hey, fatso! Let's go! I'm not doing this for my health! [Steps back.] Okay. Power jumping jacks. Ready? Begin. One and two and three and four and five and six and seven and eight and nine and ten. [Speeding up] And one and two and three and four and five and six and seven and eight and nine and ten. Okay, and, rest!

[Rocko makes a weak attempt to follow the instructor, and gets drenched in sweat until the instructor says to rest. Then, the doorbell rings. Rocko, all sweaty, opens the door to find Heffer.]

Heffer: Hey, Rocko! Man, you've got color!

Rocko: Come on in, Heff...

Heffer: Got any malted (unintelligible)--Aah! [As he talks, Heffer tries to enter Rocko's house, but he is so big he takes the entire doorframe with him, then falls through the floor immediately afterwards.]

Rocko: [Looking down into the hole] You okay?

Heffer: Uh huh.

Rocko: [Rocko sits down on the edge of the hole.] You know, Heffer? We're both horribly outta shape. I'm huffing up stairs and, and you're getting...well...

Heffer: Fatter?

Rocko: Well...

Heffer: Say no more, Rock. That's why I got these. [Heffer reaches his arm up and out of the hole to show two passes to the Flambé le Flab health spa.] Two complementary passes to the new health spa, where you sweat in luxury!

Rocko: Flambé le Flab? [Zoom to the inside of Rocko's head, where we see a daydream in which Rocko crosses the finish line of a race in first place, as a crowd cheers.] Okay. Let's do it!

[At the Flambé le Flab, Rocko and Heffer walk on the indoor deck of the health spa.]

Rocko: Wow, Heff! Look at this place! [Both Rocko and Heffer start running, but Heffer has trouble keeping up.]

Heffer: [Heffer falls down.]

Rocko: We gotta get memberships here.

Chuck & Leon: Not so fast monsieur. Hold it there, bub. Entry into Flambé is very exclusive. Yeah, exclusive! We are used to a certain "clientelé". Certainly. Every move is graded on this chart. Right here on zis chart! If I were you, I'd find another outfit? [Both start prodding at Rocko's shirt.] Very tacky. Extremely attire. (Both: Minus ten!) [Both dash away.]

[Cut to the "Fashions Flambe Athletic Wear" shop, where Rocko and Heffer shop for workout clothes. Coming out and then stepping away again one by one, Heffer steps in front of a mirror in an animal pelt, then a sweating Rocko comes in wearing a hoodie. Heffer comes out again in an aerobics costume, as Rocko wears a black rubber swimsuit and looks at the way his tail sticks out before looking ashamed. Finally, Heffer walks out in a lobster costume with an "Ooh", and Rocko steps out in a superhero costume, flexing awkwardly.]

[In the next scene, Rocko leaves the store in his new athletic wear, and he shifts his weight onto his toes a few times, while Heffer once again crashes through the store's doorframe as he leaves.]

Heffer: [As he's eating a sandwich.] My shorts are chafing me.

Rocko: Heffer. You're here to lose that big gut, not eat.

Heffer: The more I eat, the more weight I get to lose!

[The Aerobics Instructor (portrayed by Richard Simmons) walks out in front of Heffer.]

Aerobics Instructor: Okay, people. Let's go. Let's go--Don't just stand there like slugs on a cabbage! ::[The Aerobics Instructor enters the Aerobics and Dance room, grabs onto a set of still rings, and swings himself into a somersault, landing onto a platform at the front of the class]

Aerobics Instructor: Ta-Da! Hi, everybody. First of all, I want you all to give yourselves a big hand for just being here. [The class claps as Rocko and Heffer walk up behind.] Can we have a great big hug? A big group hug. Come on! [The class hugs each other, except Rocko and Heffer.] All right, it's party time! Get those bodies warmed up. Let's go! And a one and a two and an on your backs! [The instructor jumps up and falls onto his back.] Now, grab your tushies and pedal, let's go! [The entire class falls onto their backs and pedals with the instructor.] Get up, get up! Now, shake those arms and sweat! And sweat! [The class now does an arm exercise]

Rocko: Hey. This is sorta fun, eh, Heff?

Heffer: Yeah. Big fun.

Aerobics Instructor: ...And five and six and stretch and stretch... Come on, let me see that sweat, let me see that sweat coming out! [As everyone is exercising, Heffer backs away from the rest of the class.] And three and four and five...

Heffer: [Sweating heavily, crawling out the door.] They're trying to kill me.

[Rocko is still doing his best to participate in the class, looking tired.]

Aerobics Instructor: Now turn. Oh, you all are doing so fantastic. Side and side and... [looks at Rocko.] Oh, yoo-hoo, kangaroo boy! Yeah, you with the little flabby tail. Now, don't hide in the back. Come on closer and join the party! And five and six, now move those buns, and squeeze, squeeze, squeeze. Yeah!

[While doing the exercise, Rocko walks up closer between the other participants.]

Rocko: Blimey, Don't they ever stop? [Rocko tires himself out and briefly slumps over onto the floor, but then almost immediately gets kicked by another member's flailing leg. He goes flying into one leg after another, getting flung out above the crowd and finally into the arms of the instructor.]

Aerobics Instructor: It's flying time! [Catches Rocko.] Oh, hello! [The instructor rolls Rocko into a ball, dribbles him, and then throws him straight into a basketball hoop, where he gets stuck in the net.] Yyyeah!

[Chuck and Leon walk up on either side of the hoop.]

Chuck: Minus twenty points!

[The duo enter the workout room, where some people are lifting weights, doing bench presses, checking out their own bodies, and so on.]

Rocko: Wow! Look at everybody building better bodies.

[A bull stretches with the stack machine, but his arms rip off of him as the machine springs back. He looks distraught.]

Rocko: C'mon, Heff. Let's work on our pecs. Why don't you try that one over there? [Rocko points toward an exercise machine.]

Heffer: Ooh. I like it. I like it.

Rocko: Okay. I'll try this one. [He looks at a small green creature in a chair, lifting a weight.] This looks simple enough.

[Rocko and Heffer both walk up to their machines. Rocko's chair is seen to say "Elektrik Chairmaster" on the side. Although Rocko, with some difficulty, successfully lifts the weight, he gets an electric shock when he puts it back down again. Meanwhile, Heffer looks like he's struggling with something while sitting at his machine.]

Attendant: Will there be anything else, sir?

Heffer: Yeah, [Holds up chopsticks.] these plastic things can't cut my burrito. [Heffer looks over at Rocko, who walks up, looking singed black.] What happened to you? You been to the tanning salon?

[Close up on a tropical background, which zooms out to reveal the duo entering the virtual rowing room of the health spa.]

Rocko: How about some rowing, Heff? Okay?

Heffer: Okay.

Rocko: [Rocko hops onto the rowing machine and starts it up.] Ooh. African Queen. That should be nice. [The rowing machine erroneously picks 'Deliverance'.] Hey! I didn't pick this! [Rowing Machine: Good Luck.]

[The machine starts its routine, opening on a river with a rope bridge upon which sits a man with a banjo.]

Banjo Guy: Here comes another one of them sissy exercisin' city boys sneaking up our river.

Rocko: [Rocko screams and braces himself as the screen shows that he's "falling" down a waterfall. A torrent of water shoots out of the screen, blowing him clear off the machine.]

[Back in the program, two peasants in wide-brimmed hats pull out spears and throw them at Rocko, which barely miss him.]

Peasant: Now we gonna make you squeal, piggy. [The man holds up a pig, then tickles it with a feather.]

[Rocko panics and bolts from the machine, screaming and running away past Heffer.]

Heffer: Man, I feel 100% more healthy. [Heffer is revealed to be eating popcorn and watching an old cartoon on the rowing machine's screen, instead of using it to row.] You don't look so good.

Leon: (From offscreen) Well, boys. You are not faring well on our charts.

Chuck: Eating and misuse of equipment is seriously frowned upon here.

Leon: Minus forty points!

Rocko: C'mon, Heffer.

[Heffer weighs himself as he leaves the rowing room.]

Heffer: Oh no! [Heffer stretches on the scale.] I've gained 200 pounds! Sigh, I just can't do it, Rocko. I'm bored with "Flab Flambé-ing". [Heffer pulls out a sandwich and just about puts it in his mouth before Rocko takes it away from him.]

Rocko: Hey! Gimme that! How 'bout some basketball? That's not boring.

Heffer: What about lunch?

[The duo are now in the basketball court playing basketball.]

Rocko: C'mon, Heff. Try and get by me.

[Heffer charges directly at Rocko, who looks intimidated. He jumps right past Rocko and slam dunks the basketball into the backboard, which shatters not only the backboard, but also the entire wall behind it, revealing an exercise room and the showers. The scoreboard then falls from the ceiling.]

Leon: That's gonna cost you somebig points.

[The duo is now seen at an indoor swimming pool.]

Rocko: Hey. How about a swimming race? Loser buys lunch.

[Rocko walks onto the diving board and jumps off into the water.]

Rocko: Woohoo! [He shakes his head dry.] Cmon, Heff! Water's great! Heffer?

[Rocko looks up to see Heffer jumping from the tallest diving platform, which causes Rocko to scream in fear. As Heffer hits the water, we see the outside of Flambé le Flab, where all of the water rushes out of its doors. Cut back to the pool, now empty except for Heffer face-down at the bottom. He gets up, and a flattened Rocko pulls himself back together.]

Rocko: (Annoyed) Heffer! You're really starting to tick me--

Chuck: Tisk. Tisk. Leon?

Leon: Yeah. Tisk. Mm-hmm.

Chuck: Three tisks.

Leon: That's a tisk all the way!

Chuck: Triple tisk.

[Rocko and Heffer enter a room with a machine labeled "anatomizer" and walk towards it, wondering what it does.]

Rocko: What does this thing do?

Leon: Let me tell you something--this machine is worth more than you. You hear me? It's not for beginners.

Rocko: Oh, yeah? [Rocko cranks open the door to the machine and enters the dark room inside, where he sees a single chair.] Come on, you'll show 'em.

[Rocko jumps into the chair and begins exercising; he pumps his legs and brings down a dumbbell from the ceiling to lift. Then, he presses a different button, which brings out two tubes that massage his eyeballs. Then, turning to another control panel, Rocko switches the machine from "Pigeon" past "Regular Guy" and onto the "High Roller" setting. This brings out wrist cuffs that lock him into place.]

Rocko: Uh-oh!

[The machine latches the tubes onto Rocko's eyeballs again, but this time it stretches them out painfully, as the leg portion pumps much faster and two side panels crush his head. Rocko is being absolutely stomped by the machine, which can be seen even from the outside.]

Heffer: Rocko?

[The machine eventually launches Rocko back out of the door and into the next room, smashing his body into a stain on the large mirror in the room.]

Bodybuilder: Hey, Chameleon Brothers. Come here. This guy's hogging up the mirror. [Cries.] I can't see myself.

[Leon and Chuck pull out window wipers and wipe the liquefied Rocko off the mirror.]

Leon: This isn't gonna look good on your chart, Rocko.

Chuck: Yeah, and your friend ain't making out so good neither...

[Rocko and Heffer go to the juice bar and sauna to relax.]

Heffer: Boy, I can really use a cool one now. I'll treat, even!

[Piano music is playing in the background. Bev Bighead is seen flirting with the piano player in the room.]

Bev Bighead: How about springing for a couple of fruit smoothies, piano man?

Heffer: Well, here's to our future healthy bodies! [Heffer tries to clink his glass into Rocko's, but accidentally breaks Rocko's glass, spilling the drink into his face. He then drinks his own.] Spilled your drink, huh? Here, boy. I'll get you a towel. [Heffer reaches offscreen without looking and rips a towel from Bev's body.]

Bev Bighead: Ow!

Heffer: Hey! I thought you had to wear towels in here.

Bev Bighead: I'm nude! Waaaaah! [Horrified, Bev jumps into the piano, then breaks her head and legs through and runs away. Chuck and Leon just happen to be entering the lounge.]

Chuck: Holy enchulada (sic)! [Bev runs over Chuck and Leon, still wearing the piano, and breaks through the doorframe to run out.]

Rocko: Nice going, Heffer. I guess we can kiss our membership here goodbye.

Heffer: I'm sorry, Rock. I thought we were only here 'cause you were concerned about my health...

Rocko: I'm sorry.

Chuck: Mrs. Bighead just plowed us with a piano.

Leon: And I bet a dollar to a donut hole it was your fault, fat boy.

Chuck: We'd like you to leave.

Leon: Ups-a-daisy, eighty-six. Go.

Chuck & Leon: NOW!

[Both Rocko and Heffer, in shame, go towards the door, but Rocko gets interrupted by Leon.]

Leon: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Rocko. Where are you going?

Chuck: You don't need to go. You can be in our exclusive club.

Rocko: I'm in?

Leon: Sure. Yes.

[Rocko looks over to Heffer, who waves at him awkwardly.]

Rocko: What about Heffer?

Chuck: Ha! Heffer? Ha, ha, ha ha!

Leon: Fat boy's gotta go.

Rocko: I can't join without my friend.

Leon: Listen, Rocko. He's not cool and hip like us.

Chuck: Rocko, Rocko, Rocko! You no wanna be hanging with big, fat, bovine dork man.

Rocko: [Rocko shoves Chuck and Leon away and walks towards Heffer.] That bovine dork is my best friend. And if he's not good enough for your club, I'm not good enough. [Heffer and Rocko smile at each other.]

[The scene fades into Rocko's house, where Rocko and Heffer are in the sofa. They're using thigh exercisers with a pizza on the table in front of them.]

Rocko: We don't need some hoity-toity health club to stay in shape, eh, Heff?

Heffer: No way, man.

[We see the outside of Rocko's house as the two keep talking.]

Heffer: Care for another slice of pizza?

Rocko: I'm feeling the burn!

Heffer: Yeah, you should blow on it first. The cheese is hot.