I See London, I See France/Transcript

I See London, I See France

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Transcript

— This is a transcribed copy of I See London, I See France. —

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Previous: "Camera Shy"

Next: "The Fatlands"

[In Paris, we see Rocko talking to a woman in French and handing her a bouquet of flowers. She then speaks, but in Heffer's voice.]

Heffer: Donnez-moi du papier toilette.

Rocko: Excuse me?

Heffer: [looking at a French-English dictionary] Donnez-moi du papier toilette. [Rocko snaps out of it] That means "give me some toilet paper" in French.

Rocko: Oh, Hef, I must've dozed off.

Heffer: Donnez-moi du papier toilette...

[The plane flies over Paris. Rocko gets excited.]

Rocko: Hey look! There it is. Paris. City of love. City of romance. This tour package certainly was a good idea! [Rocko looks through the brochure] There's so much to see! The architecture. The art. The culture. The livestock. This is going to be a fantastic experience, Hef!

Heffer: Donnez-moi du papier toilette?

[We see the tour bus.]

Driver: Welcome to Sani-Tours Paris Express, I'll be your guide during your trip to this amazing city. The one thing I ask of you is that you please stay with the group, I've been doing this for 10 years now and I haven't lost anyone yet. Any questions? [Rocko raises his hand] Yes, Number Eleven.

Rocko: When do we get to see the Eiffel Tower?

Driver: Any other questions? Okay then, let's get to it! Okay everybody, welcome aboard! We're presently heading downtown to see some of the city's most interesting historical spectacles, so get your cameras ready. Now if you all direct your attention on the left side of the bus, [the passengers do so] you'll see a genuine French waste management receptacle. [the passengers take pictures] Oh wow, over there on your right [the passengers move to the other side, crowding around Rocko], if you switch your eyes, that cloud kinda looks like bacon and eggs. Quick, over there on your left, man that's gotta be the ugliest person I've ever seen.

[Rocko, disappointed, looks around, but then he catches a glimpse of the Eiffel Tower.]

Rocko: Hey, Hef, quick, come here!

Heffer: This is great, Rocko, did you see that guy?

Rocko: Forget that stuff, Hef. Look! The Eiffel Tower! Erected in 1889 by the famous structural engineer Alexander Gustave Eiffel [the passengers slowly walk over to Rocko's side of the bus], the Eiffel Tower demonstrates the boundless potential of steel and iron as building materials.

Driver: Coming up on your left you might see-

Rocko: -Eiffel was responsible for financing the construction of the tower, which cost more than one million.

Driver: [irritated] HELLO! HAVE WE ALL FORGOTTEN WHO'S GIVING THE TOUR HERE?! [the passengers walk back to their seats] As I was saying, up ahead there's a park where I counted at least 457 pigeons at one time. Did you know that they eat pigeons here in France, of course they call them "dijons" or squab. You see so many interesting things when you're driving a bus.

[A woman, similar to the one in Rocko's dream, drives by the bus. Rocko takes notice. He presses his face to the window, after which she giggles and blushes and drives off.]

Driver: Look at that, there's a green curd, I know what that means in the States, I'm not sure what it means here in France, different color shirts mean different things. If you look out the left side of the bus, you'll see a woman with a red hat. Boy, they wear some crazy hats in Paris.

[The woman's car drives off towards the Eiffel Tower while the bus goes straight. Rocko alerts the bus driver.]

Rocko: Hey Mister Bus Driver-

Driver: They call it fashion, I call it stupid-looking.

Rocko: -I think you just missed the Eiffel Tower exit!

[The bus driver, irritated at Rocko's request, slams on the brakes, frightening the passengers. Heffer screams as the bus slows down. Rocko looks surprised. The driver looks accusingly at Rocko, then gets up and angrily walks to Rocko while the other passengers turn to look as he walks by them. He gets in Rocko's face.]

Driver: [angry, ranting] WHEN DO WE GET TO SEE THE EIFFEL TOWER! I THINK WE JUST MISSED THE EIFFEL TOWER! What if EVERYBODY wanted to see whatEVER they wanted to, hmm? Hey, everyone, Number Eleven wants to deviate from our pre-established route to take a big fat visit to the Eiffel Tower! WOULD IT BE ALRIGHT WITH YOU, YOUR HIGHNESS NUMBER ELEVEN, IF WE GO AHEAD AND CONTINUE ALONG OUR ORIGINAL SCHEDULE, HMMM, WOULD THAT BE OKAY? [Rocko nods] Okay, so, who here's hungry for a little authentic French cuisine?

Passengers: Ooooooooh!

[We are now at a Chokey Chicken.]

Driver: [on a megaphone] This Chokey Chicken was erected in September of '82. It was the first American franchise to open its doors in western Europe. Since then-

Heffer: Hey, Rocko, look. [he has inserted drumsticks in his nose] They fit just like the ones at home. [laughs] Aren't you gonna eat yours?

Rocko: No, Hef, I'm not. This doesn't have anything to do with French cuisine. Nothing on this stupid tour has anything to do with France at all!

Heffer: But you love Chokey Chicken.

Rocko: Just forget it.

[While Heffer is eating, Rocko sees the woman from earlier.]

Heffer: You know, you need to loosen up a bit, Rocko. You're a little too reluctant to [burps] embrace the French cuisine.

[Heffer looks at Rocko's seat, but Rocko is missing.]

Heffer: Rocko?

Driver: Okay, everybody, gotta get a move on, there's a lot more to see today, let's go!

Heffer: Rocko.

[The bus driver is taking roll call.]

Driver: Number Eight?

Number Eight: Here.

Driver: Number Nine?

Number Nine: Here.

Driver: Number Ten?

Number Ten: Here.

Driver: Number Eleven?

[Heffer sniffles.]

Driver: NUMBER ELEVEN!

[Heffer attempts to imitate Rocko, but the driver does not believe him. He realizes that Number Eleven (Rocko) is missing.]

Driver: WHERE'S NUMBER ELEVEN?!

[The woman is walking down the street. Rocko peeks out from behind a lamppost and follows her. He stops and notices that she is sitting in front of a cafe. Rocko ducks into a nearby clothing shop. Meanwhile, back on the bus, the driver is still ranting about Rocko's disappearance.]

Driver: NO ONE LEAVES DURING MY TOUR! NEVER! COME ON, WHERE IS HE?! TALK, YOU PIECE OF GARBAGE!

[The driver walks away from Heffer, a devastated and concerned look on his face.]

Driver: How could someone leave without thinking of the consequences? If word of this gets out I'll be ruined! I've got a wife and two kids to think of, you know. What about them, huh? Where's that leave them? WHY? WHYYYYY?!

[The driver notices that Heffer is trying to get out the window.]

Driver: WHAT ARE YOU DOING, NUMBER THIRTEEN?! You're not planning to leave me too, are you? [Heffer gets out] I HAVEN'T AUTHORIZED YOU TO EXIT THIS BUS! GET BACK ON THIS BUS AND WE'LL FORGET THE WHOLE THING! [Heffer shakes his head no and runs off] NUMBER THIRTEEN!

[Rocko steps out of the clothing shop with a bouquet of flowers. Just as he is about to approach her, a Chokey Chicken car drives by. After it passes, the woman is gone. Rocko sees her walking and runs after her. Meanwhile, Heffer is screaming and running from the bus as it chases him. He runs through the Louvre, followed by the bus, with the passengers taking photos of the paintings as it drives through.]

Driver: [furious, then calm for just a second] The Louvre. [back to furious]

[Heffer and the bus bust out the other side. The driver turns on the wipers to get the paintings off the windshield. A Chokey Chicken car drives by Heffer, and he runs after it. At a river, Rocko is chasing the woman, Heffer is chasing the Chokey Chicken car, and the bus is chasing Heffer. Heffer somehow ends up in the car, with the bus chasing them. Rocko, unable to catch the woman, seemingly gives up. Rocko is then seen standing on a bridge.]

French Poodle: Say, whys the sad face?

Rocko: The girl of my dreams is somewhere in the city, but I just can't find her.

French Poodle: Aw, this is no problem. She's at the Eiffel Tower.

Rocko: Really?

French Poodle: Sure. All cheesy love stories end there.

Rocko: Thank you, thank you, thank you!

French Poodle: Go to her, Rocko!

[Rocko runs off to the Eiffel Tower, encouraged by the people of Paris. He takes the elevator up, only to find a Chokey Chicken restaurant at the top. Apparently it just opened. The woman is seen with Heffer at a table. She stuffs drumsticks in her nose, just like Heffer.]

Claudette: [to Heffer] Oh, you're such a funny American.

Heffer: Rocko, there you are! You're lucky you left when you did, that tour guide went nuts! Have you met Claudette yet?

[The camera pans out from the Eiffel Tower, revealing a giant Chokey Chicken. Rocko and Heffer are on a plane and Heffer is showing Rocko some pictures of various landmarks, although they feature a Chokey Chicken.]

Heffer: You were right, Rocko, this Paris tour was the best! Look, there's a great shot of you, me and Claudette! I think she kinda liked you, Rocko, or should I say, pen pal!

Rocko: It's not like that, Hef, we're just friends.

Heffer: Oh, I think not, [fakes a French accent] Rocko.

Rocko: Cut it out, Hef, I told you I'm not interested in her that way. Besides, she's not my type, I love Melba.

[The bus drives by the plane.]

Driver: GET BACK ON THE BUS! [the plane takes off and he gets off the bus] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!